what hurts the most
by hawkeyelover15
Summary: a fan fic for H/M hawkeye reflects on how he let margaret go and now all he could ever think about is her when he becomes stateside. first chapters a song fic the rest is the story after story now complete
1. what hurts the most

**A/N just a song fic to my favorite pairing H/M only the first chapter is a song fic the rest is what happens after the song fic there are tons of chapters to come **

DISCLAIMER: I have one doesn't that say it all

The song is what hurts the most by rascal flatts

The bold italics are the song lyrics

Chapter 1 (what hurts the most)

'That's it Hawkeye thought, it's over , the war is over', he smiled sadly as he watched the words goodbye get farther and farther away.

JULY 1st 1957

Hawkeye sat in his child hood home as the rain pelted the roof small tears streaming down his face as he looked at the photo of him and the MASH gang.

'_**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don't bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out'**_

One person in the photo his heart ached for Margaret, it's been almost 5 years since the war ended and 5 years since anyone has seen her, everyone else kept in touch and saw each other every holiday and 2 weeks in the summer that week happened to be the week everyone was coming together. B.J came early with his family his wife peg ,,and daughter Erin, and the 2 new additions to the family the twin boys 'Benjamin max Walter Hunnicut ' and Sherman Francis Charles Hunnicut born 9 months after the war ended, makes you think what they did when he got home, he smiled to himself and more tears ran down his face as he continued to stare at the photo of everyone the last couple days together sitting in the swamp.

'_**I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though Goin' on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay But that's not what gets me'**_

His dad and the Hunnicuts were out buying decorations because it was Charles' wedding and happened to be being held at his place, Charles and Hawkeye became way closer over the past few years and everyone was coming to the wedding except Margaret, he thought about the goodbye kiss and when he let her go, he just let her walk out of his life, he knew it and wanted to tell her he loved her and now she is gone and no one can find her, she could be dead for what anyone knows. he missed her and all the times they had together ,they were super close and always there for each other and helped each other through that damn war they were each other's strength. and all she did was want to forget, forget the war ever happened and shutting everyone out was her way of doing it, even though he broke down her barriers and helped her show her good side, and all he ever wanted to do was tell her but now it's too late.

'_**What hurts the most Was being so close And havin' so much to say And watchin' you walk away'**_

He thought about what could have been If he had told her that he loved her.

'_**And never knowin' What could've been And not seein' that lovin' you Is what I was tryin' to do'**_

it was hard to sit and watch everyone else have their love, even radar found someone who he could spend the rest of his life with, but he knew it he had to move on and forget her, but he couldn't he just couldn't force that smile onto his face. everyone knew that he loved her, they could see it they even told him that they could tell Margaret loved him. the first Christmas back everyone got together with their families and he just let it slip and cried, if he could relive that moment when they all left he would have told her , he wouldn't have to live with this burden on his shoulders.

'_**It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go But I'm doin' it It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken'**_

Everyone knew and could see the closeness they shared especially that last night together before they went home.

'_**What hurts the most Is being so close And havin' so much to say(Much to say)And watchin' you walk away'**_

He thought If he had just told her he might be happier, they could have had something he thought all he had to do was tell her but he didn't.

'_**And never knowin' What could've been And not seein' that lovin' you Is what I was tryin' to do, oh oh yeah'**_

He thought about all those times together like that night in the hut or the time they were in the supply room and she let her guard down and made jokes with him he smiled a small smile as he remembered. He loved her smile her beauty and her personality she was like his mother and he couldn't get her out of his head

'_**What hurts the most Was being so close And havin' so much to say(To say)And watchin' you walk away'**_

All he ever did was love her and he knew that if he did tell her then maybe she would be there but also she may not have been she had her career in order and knew what she wanted

'_**And never knowin' What could've been And not seein' that lovin' you is what I was tryin' to do Not seein' that lovin' you That's what I was trying to do, ooo'**_

he thought hard and he knew what he had to do, he could most likely find her through the army and that's what he would do he would search through the army and get the love of his life back even if that meant re enlisting.


	2. broken heart broken friendship

**A/N chapter 2 of my fan fic I hope you enjoyed reading chatper 1**

**By the way just an input im an army brat and I love mash lol ps. I changed it a little so that B.J and hawks dad are at the Portland airport picking up the mash gang and Charles is in boston picking up his fiancé and the hunnicuts are out for the day **

**R&R I love reviews and enjoy!**

Chapter 2 broken heart broken friendship

B.J and Daniel wandered around Portland airport looking for terminal 22 when the intercom came on

"**flight 388 from Missouri is now arriving in terminal 22 "**

They rounded a corner and saw the terminal, they waited anxiously for the gang to come through the gate, everyone had stopped in Missouri first so they could arrive together.

10 minutes passed before the older looking commander walked through the gate with a lady a year or 2 younger then himself on his arm and spotted B.J and Daniel, they made their way over with everyone else not far behind.

"_Sherman how are you_" B.J exclaimed smiling at the man

"_Oh B.J just_ splendid "Sherman announced brightly shaking hands with the two men and waiting for everyone to have their greetings.

Close behind Sherman was the one and only radar O'reilly carrying a carryon bag walking with his 5 year old son, henry Sherman O'reilly and his pregnant wife patty, father Mulcahy stepped off looking bright and cheery, soon being followed by max Klinger and soon li each parent holding 3 year old daughters, lean Klinger , and surprisingly, Margaret Klinger.

The greetings were thrown around and soon everyone was on their way to the Pierce home

Hawkeye heard the front door open and ran to the front hall to meet his guests , hugs and cheek kisses were in order and soon everyone was settled in the family room drenched by the cold rain that still pelted his home, he sat down on the red burgundy long couch beside B.J while every ones family members went out, they had decided to visit with the old gang alone.

"_So has anyone heard from Charles who his lovely new bride is because I surely haven't_ "the ex colonel asked

"_Sorry Sherman no one has heard anything he said it was a surprise_" Hawkeye answered lightly

"_Well in that case we can wait till this afternoon_"

"_On another note has anyone heard from Margaret at all_ ?"B.J asked

Everyone shook their heads no with solemn faces.

They talked the rest of the morning away, talking about good old times at the 4077th and catching up on everyone's lives since they last saw each other at the Christmas party a couple months back.

A slight knock on the front door then gradually grew louder until Daniel ran to open the door, Charles then stepped in the door with his fiancé and her 3 year old daughter Caterina rose houlihan, hanging up wet coats and taking off shoes, Charles told his fiancé and soon to be step daughter to wait behind so he could surprise the gang, he walked into the living room and cleared his throat the laughter stopped and everyone turned to see who was there, Charles then spoke

"_I would like to introduce my bride to be –"_

The woman then walked in carrying the little girl who looked very much like her father, she had shoulder length smooth straight black hair and bright deep blue sparkling eyes and a grin trademark of her fathers that could light up a room, everyone gasped in shock as they watched who walked into the room as Charles finished speaking

"_Margaret houlihan" _

everyone jumped to greet the long lost friend of theirs and hugs and tears and kisses were produced except from one Hawkeye pierce who sat shocked on the couch, and watched as his emotions ran through him hurt, pain , fear, love ,anger, and a bunch of others, he never lost contact with her eyes since she walked into the room and nor did she loose contact with his eyes ,she loved his eyes they made her melt and weak in the knees, come to think of it she loved everything about him same with Hawkeye towards her they shared the mutual feelings of love for one another that neither knew about.

Hawkeye was angry with Charles, very angry, he knew how much he loved Margaret he had told him and trusted him still this man went off and got engaged with the love of his life.

Sherman finally asked Margaret

"_where have you been all this time, we thought you had just fell of the face of the earth no one could find you, we were all worried, and also who is this lovely young lady here"_ he tickled the girls tummy and she burst into giggles

"_I'm sorry I just had a lot of things happen when I got home and this is Caterina rose houlihan , she was born 9 months after the war ended"_ Margaret still looked in Hawkeyes eyes hoping he would catch something.

He did, not much, but he did that name Caterina was his mother's only Margaret and his dad knew about his mother's name, he wondered why she named her daughter Caterina.

"_She is very beautiful, that's alright Margaret I understand I'm just glad you're here now and doing alright I hope you don't mind my asking but uh … were is her father ?"_

"_Yea major_" Klinger piped in

"_Um this is a tough subject for me to broach but you deserve to know … huh … her father was in the Korean war in … uh a mash unit also I don't want to talk about it much but she looks exactly like him" _she hoped someone would catch on but sadly no one did "_We got together right before the war ended and well 9 nine months later my little girl popped into this world. I moved in with my sister molly after the war and then got a job in Washington and moved out there after she was born " _she smiled brightly at the thought

"_Well Margaret I assume this is what kept you busy _"Sherman put in laughing and smiling about what he said

She laughed with him_ "Yes colonel that's exactly why"_

"_Please Margaret, Sherman we are not in the army anymore, does her father know about her"_

"_No Sherman … he doesn't "_ she took her eyes away from Hawkeyes and looked at the girl in her arms, everyone had just noticed Hawkeye and Margaret's reaction to each other

Finally Hawkeye stood with his eyes glazed in anger, he looked at Charles and then spoke harshly his voice raised " CHARLES WHINCHESTER YOU POMPUS SELFISH SON OF A BITCH " everyone was shocked at his words Hawkeye stormed over to the man with wide confused eyes " _HOW COULD YOU … YOU KNEW HOW I FELT AND YET YOU STILL WENT OFF AND GOT ENGAGED YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT MARGARET , AND YOU STAND THERE AND BRING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE INTO MY HOME AFTER I BROKE DOWN AT CHRISTMAS AND CRIED MYSELF TO YOU ABOUT IT, AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO COME HERE AND TELL ME YOU 2 ARE ENGAGED !" _Charles looked dumbfounded at the raged man in front of him, he struggled to speak _"I...well I … I_"

"_I TRUSTED YOU, YOU BASTARD!"_ Hawkeye then took a huge swing and knocked Charles backwards onto the floor as he clutched his jaw were Hawkeye gave him the hard blow punch

"_HAWKEYE!"_ B.J yelled at his friend, and grabbed him with the help of Klinger and Hawkeye's father ,and pulled him back before he could continue attacking Charles, Sherman kneeled down beside Charles as the blood poured from his mouth and studied his injury. Margaret was in tears as she watched the scene take place in front of her eyes and her daughter clung to her mother's shoulder hiding her face from the action. Hawkeye struggled to get out of the strong grasp they had on him, and when he succeeded he took one last look at everyone in front of him and softly asked in a hurt tone " _Margaret how … how could you …and then … and do this … I loved you and still do"_ tears of his own stung his eyes and Margaret just stared not knowing what to say she finally spoke_" I thought you would understand…I didn't contact you because … because_ " she trailed off, and more tears flowed freely, she couldn't tell him, why couldn't she do it she had to tell him she loved him she always had and still did, she was scared to tell him when she found out she pregnant that Caterina is his because of his mental breakdown in Korea, she also failed to tell him now

Hawkeye closed his eyes and ran out of the house grabbing his coat on the way out and just ran he couldn't go back he just couldn't face anyone

**A/N and so there you have it chapter 2 what do you thinks going to happen? R&R please!**


	3. love crosses

**A/N so this is the last chapter and its longer then the others but I wanted to finish this story because it would be my first completed fanfic **

Chapter 3 love crossed

He didn't know where he was going, but he just didn't care he needed to get away, far away. He needed to think he walked the streets of crab apple cove in hope he could forget just forget everything. He took a bus to Portland airport he was going to get the first flight out to san fransisco and take a flight to Honolulu and make his way back to the one place he knew well ,the one place where he thought no one can find him, the one place where he can go to forget what just happened and remember the past, he was going back to Korea to the old 4077th site where he can just think. He ran to the nearest ticket booth to buy his pass back to hell , he rounded a corner when he crashed into a man who was all too familiar.

"_hey watch it bud !"_

"_sorry sir"_ he then took in the features and then he knew who it was he had met him before but where…Korea, Margaret's father, what the hell is he here for .

"_excuse me sir you wouldn't happen to be colonel Alvin (howitzer) houlihan "_Hawkeye asked

Alvin glared at him "_yea I am what do you want?!" _he asked angrily

"_I'm Benjamin franklin pierce, I worked with your daughter in Korea at the 4077__th__ mash, you may remember me as captain pierce the most unmilitary man you ever met and the biggest disgrace to the army "_he put in jokingly

"_you … you ass it's all your fault "_ Alvin then drew a gun from his pocket and pointed straight at Hawkeyes chest

"_wow wow no need for violence sir I didn't do anything but if you think so I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you" _Hawkeye thrust his hands up to surrender

"_you know what you did , she loved you though I don't see how she could but she did and thenyou're your own benefit and pleasure you go and knock her up the last time you saw her, she was vulnerable and you took advantage of that she did everything she could to please you and you just go jump in the sac with my little girl and throw her out and her daughter like they were nothing. she spent the last two years looking for you then this other fellow from your outfit she finds and tell her that you don't ever want to see her again and so she falls in love with him and decides to marry him, that pompous idiot is better then you "_

"_what ?!_" Hawkeye asked shocked and confused " _what are you talking about, I love her,Margaret is my world always has been she walked out of my life, no one could find her believe me I searched everywhere for her and I what you would say jumped into the sac with her cause I love her and it was our last night together and I wanted to tell her but things happened and what do you mean knocked he-"_he stopped, it all coming back to him (born 9 months after the war) ( father was in a mash unit and we got together the last night ) she looks … exactly like him and the name (Caterina ) his mothers and (rose) her mother's name, Caterina is his…

"_you lying bag of shit "_he cocked the pistol and before Hawkeye knew it he was on the ground in horrible pain the last thing he heard were noises the last thing he saw were people by his side then nothing … darkness

Daniel and B.J leaned over charles as he clenched his jaw and as the door slammed shut

"_come on Charles lets help you up"_ B.J and Daniel helped him up and sat him on the small chair beside him, dabbing at his mouth with a wet cloth everyone was still shocked about the scene that just happened

"_oh dear broken jaw Charles we are going to take you down to the hospital to check it out " _Sherman said helping him stand up everyone piled into the couple of cars that were outside and made their way to Portland hospital. When they arrived they admitted him and the doctors started setting his jaw as the rest of the gang sat outside

"Margaret it's alright " father Mulcahy rubbed her shoulder in reassurance" Charles will be fine"

The tears still ran down her cheeks, she held her daughter close " thank you father but … I'm not worried about Charles, I'm doing this in confession but, I don't love Charles I don't want to marry him I only am just so I can try and forget Hawkeye and give my baby girl a father ,… and also… Caterina is um Hawkeyes an i… love him and I'm scared father"

" oh my dear Margaret, everything will be alright. Who else knows who her father is out of us,?"

"well just you and Charles no one else, I was afraid that Hawkeye wouldn't want anything to do with us and what happened before we left Korea I didn't think he could handle a baby…"

The doors burst open as doctors and nurses ran the gurney through the waiting room, Margaret looked at the man on the bed and ran to his side,

"excuse me ma'am but family and friends only please step a side " the nurse asked Margaret

"no I know him he's … he's my husband "

"oh well we need identification so your name please?"

as if on cue everyone walked out and saw the action and ran beside the gurney

"Hawkeye ,Hawkeye its B.J come on answer "B.J Sherman and Daniel all tried checking him out as they ran through double doors

"everybody needs to move away" the nurse yelled

"we're doctors "Sherman put in "and he's our friend "

"I still ask please move away and give the man and his wife space"

"wife?" everyone asked in chorus

"yes she claims to be his wife" the nurse pointed towards Margaret as she was holding hawks hand and running alongside them she looked up at her friends with pleading eyes

"right sorry Margaret stay with your husband " she looked at him with thank full eyes as B.J answered with the lie and they ran through a set of doors that said surgery and everyone stopped and watched their friend get rushed in

Everyone was silent until a doctor came out

"what happened what's going on with my son I demand answers?!" a very angry Daniel asked the doctor in front of him

" well are you all friends and family?" everyone nodded" alright he was rushed from Portland airport he apparently got into a heated argument with some man and he shot him, the bullet punctured and artery he's lost to much blood and his heart might give way if he makes it through surgery there's a very small chance he will make it through the night I'm sorry but please wait out in the here and we will come out after his surgery and let you know what is happening "

The doctor rushed back through the doors, everyone sat down not saying a word. 4 hours had past and by that time Charles had joined them and they filled him in on the latest stuff and he sat worried about his friend even after the incident that occurred that afternoon. Margaret joined them shortly after they had sat down and sat between B.J and Sherman and they hugged her as she silently sobbed not saying anything her daughter still in her arms, the doctor ran out

"the pierce family?" he asked

" they nodded and he motioned for them to follow him out he took them up a couple floors to a recovery unit he pointed to the door of his room and then spoke softly

"he made it through surgery with a faint heart beat I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't make it through the night but if he does he will have a long road to recovery I am very sorry one person at a time can go in and see him he's still unconscious " he then walked away leaving them alone

Sherman put a hand on Margaret's shoulder and reached for Caterina " Margaret give me your daughter go in and see him " she kissed her sleeping daughters head and handed her over to Sherman she looked at everyone with sad eyes and walked in, they stood by the open door and listened as Margret sat on a chair beside Hawkeyes bed, tubes stuck out of his arms and he looked very pale she took his left hand in both of hers and started talking to him softly almost whispering but it was just loud enough for everyone outside to hear.


	4. love conqoures

Chapter 4 love conquered

"hey ben you probably can't hear me but I'm still going to talk "she put her left hand on his right cheek and spoke" ben please dot be mad at me it's not quite my fault Charles lied to me he said you wanted nothing to do with me and I believed him I don't know why but I did I don't want to marry him I swear that I only agreed so I can try and forget you but I can never forget you and our daughter needed a father because her real father was somewhere in crab apple cove forging a life without her and me, oh ben I'm sorry I never told you before but… Caterina is yours"

Everyone outside heard that and inhaled the information Sherman looked at the sleeping girl in his arms and then pieced it together "well I'll be…" he looked at B.J and as if reading his mind shook his head no to answer the unspoken question of did he know

"ben I am really sorry I thought you couldn't handle a baby after what happened in Korea, and I thought if I told you that … you wouldn't want anything to do with us. Do you remember that night in the officer's club about 6 years ago, after what happened with Scully, and I gave that man standard requirement speech about what I want in a man, well I was wrong instead of 10% of you I want 100% of you in a man, I want you ben, when we were playing that game what was it called … double solitaire scrabble? "she smiled at the memory "and I asked what happened if I found L-O-V-E and you said I would win the game well looks like I won ben I found love I found what I was looking for and it all tied to you ben I love you I have for a very long time since basically that night, ben I need you, your daughter needs you, we need you, please don't go ben stay strong and fight you survived a war you can survive this "hot tears silently fell from her ice blue eyes " ben please don't leave me, please don't go please don't die…"she set her head down on his chest and she sobbed harder and louder, everyone outside watched the scene take place own tears in their eyes, they left the couple alone and sat outside the room as she continued to cry.

3:00 am rolled by and Hawkeye woke up taking in his surroundings his eyes fuzzy he felt someone beside him and everything came into focus he was in the hospital his chest hurt a lot and he looked beside him and found Margaret on the bed with him her arm draped over him tear stains on her flushed cheeks she looked beautiful he thought she always looks beautiful then he remembered something he thought it was a dream he remembered hearing her voice and remembered every word she said in his dream but too bad it was only a dream or maybe not it didn't seem like a dream he felt really tired and he took one look at the woman beside him and kissed her forehead and whispered "I love you Margaret" she stirred and opened her eyes to find Hawkeyes looking straight in hers and without hesitation she kissed him hard and passionately and spoke through tears of joy "oh ben I thought you were gone oh my god your alive ben don't ever leave me don't ever let go, oh ben I love you " she cried harder as he grabbed her and pulled her basically on top of him and held her tight "I promise I'll always be here Margaret I won't ever let go oh god I love you "

Everyone woke to the sound of cries and rustling in the room and without hesitation jumped up and ran in to see what was going on and they found a picture perfect moment in front of them Margaret laying on top of Hawkeye, her hands on the sides of his head and his arms wrapped around her waist tightly kissing each other hard and tears on from both sets of eyes Sherman cleared his throat and they pulled away but their heads still so close to each other's and looked at the people they care for in front of them everyone embraced the couple and more tears were shed Hawkeye spoke

"Sherman give me my daughter "he held out his arms ready to take his baby girl into his arms for the first time he held her out to him and he grabbed her and held her close between him and Margaret kissing her head and more of his own tears made their way down his face Margaret asked

"how … how did you know she's yours ?" he smiled up at Margaret and answered "I heard what you said last night " she smiled and kissed him again and pulled away when a nurse walked in

"Mr. pierce is supposed to be resting could you all please leave "she then turned to the couple on the bed and smiled "hold on one minute " she ran from the room only to return a minute later with a polaroid radar then asked "what's the camera for?"

"I am going to take a picture of and his wife and daughter because this is a picture perfect miracle "she took the photo of them on the bed and their daughter in their arms each kissing her head Hawkeye then asked

"my wife?" Margaret looked at him sheepishly, he smiled "do you want to be my wife " her face grew a huge smile and kissed him again" oh yes ben I would love to marry you" the happy couple kissed again and everyone congratulated them

Charles then spoke with trouble "I am very happy for you 2 … and I am also eternally sorry for the pain I have caused you could you ever forgive me ?"

"In time Charles in time" Hawkeye replied swiftly and went back to kissing his new bride to be…

**A/N I have an idea all ready set up for a sequel if my valued readers would like a sequel or would you like me to leave it where it is ? thank you for reading please Review**


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